Here's my New Year's vow: Next Thanksgiving, I'm going to leave early to avoid the traffic. How early?

Well, this coming Sunday, when I'm supposed to be driving back home from Thanksgiving 2002, I'm just going to circle the block a few times and then head right back to my parents' house, set up shop in my old room, and wait for the 2003 bird to be served.

You'd think with all the advances in today's society, they would have been able to do something about Thanksgiv ing traffic, and yet every year, on the fourth Wednesday in November, the entire country is on the move. If you live in the north, you must go south. If you live in the east, go west young man. If you have children, especially young ones, your trip must include several time-zone changes.

But enough already: It's time for the people to take matters into our own hands.

For starters, why not stagger Thanksgiving the way they do driving days in Mexico City? People who have a documented history of holiday shopping on the Friday After will be rewarded by getting to keep the Thursday berth.

Those who've ignored their civic duty to boost same-store sales will from now on eat their birds and candied yams on Friday.

Secondly, let's establish special travel lanes for families traveling with kids. Drivers in the ``Are We There Yet?'' lane would be allowed to pass through tolls without paying, drive in the break-down lane and cut in wherever they like, and, of course, get frontsies at all drive-thru Dunkin' Donuts.

(Which brings up a related issue: eating establishements that advertise on those ``food exit'' signs along the highway should be required by federal law to post how far off the highway they actually are, and forced to indicate to drivers which way they should turn off the exit ramp - left or right - to reach said establishment. On penalty of death.)

Third: Let's get the television networks involved. There's nothing more annoying than spending an hour in a traffic jam only to arrive at the source of the slowdown and discover it's nothing more than a car with a flat tire that has pulled onto the shoulder - on the other side of the road. How about if we all agree not to rubberneck, and the networks promise to broadcast some really gory crash footage during the football games and the Macy's parade?

And finally: While the above suggestions will minimize traffic, they won't, of course, eliminate the problem. What we really need is a regional matching program that does away with highway travel all together.

Here's how it would work: Every person slated to travel over the holiday would instead log onto a computer and punch in his or her Thanksgiving particulars: Dysfunctional family or normal? Pumpkin pie or pecan? Daytime meal or evening? The data would be analyzed and each person would then be assigned to an appropriate local family.

Who cares if someone else's mom thinks your hair would look better shorter? Or if an ``uncle'' you're never going to see again makes lewd comments? Or if some random brother-in-law spends the entire day watching football?

After Thursday, you're never going to see these people again. Unless, of course, you draw their names again next year.