Hey, candidates: Security, economy pale in comparison to these issues
By Beth Teitell
Tuesday, November 2, 2004
It's not enough that we're electing a president and some local officials today. While important, it doesn't empower us, really, in the decision-making process governing our daily lives. The ballot should be bigger, wider, broader and more pertinent.
Because no matter who is in the White House, they
will not have the definitive answer to: Should I wear my pashmina this season?
What about next? When is it pathetically ``over,'' and when will it be chicly
``vintage''?
The nation needs to speak on the following issues:
1) Which should be America's diet?
A. Atkins
B. South Beach
C. One-ingredient plan
2) Who's entitled to a flu shot?
A. The elderly
B. The Red Sox
C. The Ben Affleck
3) Who should be America's ``sweetheart''?
A. Lindsay Lohan
B. Hilary Duff
C. Ben Affleck
4) Should the Yankees switch to the National League, so next year we can have a real World Series?
A. Yes
B. No
5. What percentage of Halloween candy can a parent ``taste'' before the authorities need be involved?
A. Half of the chocolate haul (fun- or regular-sized) and an unlimited number of lollipops (as if).
B. All candy that may contain nuts or traces of nuts (you can never be too safe).
C. Anything the parent can grab when the little darling's asleep or her head is turned, particularly if the little darling demanded a costume change 30 minutes prior to trick-or-treating.
6. Which should be the must-have pet?
A. Fluffy white dog
B. Chihuahua
C. Big, slobbery bulldog
D. Cat
E. Hairless cat
7. Cellphone jamming:
A. God, yes
B. No
8. What should be the preferred method of celebrating if your candidate wins?
A. Turn over your car
B. Throw a beer bottle through your front window
C. Both
9. Should Americans who are registered procrastinators be allowed to cast their ballots late?
A. Yes
B. No
C. Undecided
10.Paper or plastic?
