Arnold's not the only star muscling in on our jobs
By Beth Teitell
Thursday, October 30, 2003
I like celebrities as much as the next person (statistically speaking, that is, because if the next person were my friend L., I'd have to admit I like celebrities less than the next person, but on average I'd say I have a normal affinity for people I don't know, whose lives appear to be much better than mine, or who, at the very least, have access to superior hair products).
I say this not to take any edge off what I'm about to propose, but just by way of introduction so you don't mistake me for some rabid anti-celebritist. After reading that Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt, Danny DeVito and other Hollywood diplomats were lending their support to a Middle East peace plan, and maybe even going to the Middle East on a peace mission, I've decided to start a group: Civilians Against Celebrities. CAC's mission will be to root out celebrity infiltration wherever it strikes, no matter how benign it seems. Next time you hear about a celebrity opening a restaurant, or starting a clothing line, or bottling and selling his own pasta sauce, please call the CAC hotline.
Because you see what the stars are doing, don't you? They're hogging all the good jobs, that's what. You'd think they'd be content to earn millions of dollars simply for having full lips, or having designers lend them clothing (thus enabling them to wear expensive dresses without having to go through the whole tuck-in-the-price-tag-and-then-return-the-garment-as-unworn-the-next-day charade).
But no. Simple fame and its perks no longer do it for some people. An Oscar's no longer good enough for the mantel; they want the Nobel Peace Prize, too. (If Jennifer and her team achieve peace, look for a Nobel preshow on E! hosted by Joan and Melissa. ``Now, Kofi, who are you wearing?'')
CAC believes the stars must be stopped ASAP because, as it is, they're already starting to take work away from people who need it. Look at what happened in California. Arnold Schwarzenegger, a man with no political experience, snatches the governor's job from a man whose prospects for finding other lucrative work are nowhere near the Terminator's. And from her London perch, Madonna tosses off a best-selling children's book, taking a valuable New York Times Bestseller List slot away from some schlub who's probably been writing in obscurity for years - and will continue to do so, thanks to the Material Girl.
If we don't stop the madness soon, who knows where they'll strike next? You'll be sitting there at your desk, working away as a middle manager - a steady job if not an exciting one - when Britney Spears up and decides that's the job for her - and, poof, you're given a goodbye pizza lunch and sent on your way.
Part of CAC's mission, in addition to cataloging celebrity violations, will be to identify the causes of the problem. Is it, as one scholar has posited, that the celebrities have too much time on their hands? After all, look at how many hours Bennifer spend shopping, gambling, getting gun licenses and moving between mansions. Whatever it is, CAC's first order of business will be to get some publicity for itself. All we need now is a celebrity spokesperson.
