Fanfare for the common man: Why do candidates insist on showing they're just like us?
By Beth Teitell
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
When did the ability to scarf down diner food and blast small creatures out of the sky become vital traits for a presidential candidate?
Do scenarios requiring those skills regularly arise during a president's day? I thought the position was strictly a desk job. And that meals from the White House's heart-healthy menu were included.
But with all the hunting and brush-clearing and robust dropping of “g”s, I'm wondering if the job description has changed, and starting in 2005, the president of the country must also be able to hold his own on ``Fear Factor?''
Or is it ``Average Joe''?
Yeah, determining whether a candidate would be good at negotiating with hostile governments would be nice, but nowhere near as crucial as knowing whether he can look comfortable wearing a rally cap or milking a cow.
The farmer in the dell for president!
You know who I want making big decisions for this nation? The man who can convince me that he spends all day watching football while wearing a plaid shirt and eating Cheetos - and killing small birds. With his hands.
With one week to go before the election, I'll tell you what would really sell voters: A photo op of the candidate leaving the toilet seat up. Just think, undecideds in swing states across the map would crack open a can of beer, belch and announce that their mind's made up.
Why? Because we've become convinced we're actually going to spend time with the man who becomes president. In fact, a poll taken before the Republican National Convention asked bar patrons which candidate they'd rather have a beer with.
Forty-three percent would rather knock one back with President Bush [related, bio] (nevermind that he doesn't drink) compared to 25.1 percent with John Kerry [related, bio].
But guess what, people? You're not going to share a Bud or an O'Doul's with the next president of the United States. Why not? Because he's the president of the United States, that's why.
You know who doesn't waste his time pandering to the public? Putin. He doesn't eat hotdogs or the Russian equivalent (shashlik?) to appear like the next Ivan Sixpack. People vote for him, not thinking ``ah, he likes a cold one, just like me,'' but ``ah, he could have me disappeared in seconds if he wanted.''
It's too late to change things during this campaign - the candidates are probably out bowling or spitting someplace right now - but next time around, let's think about this: As a nation, we're all trying to look like Ralph Lauren, so why do we insist our president pretend to be a Kmart man?
