Not to be picky, undecideds, but puh-leeze just pick somebody already
By Beth Teitell
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Two words I can live without: ``carbs'' and ``undecideds.''
And if I have to choose just one, I'll go for ``undecideds.''
Hey, if any of U people are reading this, did you notice that little thing I just did? It's called MAKING A CHOICE.
I live in the Rodney Dangerfield of states, so no one cares that I've made up my mind, but it's the decent thing to do. What will it take to make your pendulum stop? Flu shot vouchers?
Maybe nothing will make you settle down. If you were a dog, you'd be circling that spot on the carpet without ever plopping down for a snooze, wouldn't you? Oh, please, don't claim you can't help yourself - that you were born undecided. In fact, it's the only choice you've ever made. Not to choose.
Admit it: You love whiling away your time in Town Hall forums. You get a charge out of twisting your dials to show pleasure or displeasure over the most trivial of statements, and then seeing your whims change the direction of the campaigns. Gallup, Zogby, Pew . . . these polls are mere playthings to you.
You're addicted to the free coffee and doughnuts, and the tete-a-tetes with debate moderators. You own beige couches - I know it.
And I've got a suspicion about something else: You're not just undecided about voting. You're the person in front of me in line at the Emack and Bolio's, staring at the flavors and saying, repeatedly, ``I will have . . . the . . . no . . . I'll have a scoop of . . . no . . . I'll try the . . .''
You must drive your spouses crazy - oh, wait, you probably aren't married. That calls for commitment. If you ever bought a house - but of course you couldn't - you'd paint your walls white.
But here's a word of caution. Anger's growing. America's a nation divided - except for our shared antipathy toward you. In fact, if Bush or Kerry could marshal the anti-undecided vote, he'd be swept into office.
So what should you do? Well, this sounds crazy, but how about paying attention to the issues, deciding what's important to you and making your decision?
And if that's too much, maybe you should just stay home on Nov. 2. Look on the bright side: You'll be by your phone to answer calls from the get-out-the-vote crowd. Enjoy your last few hours of attention!
What? You're standing up for your right to vote, even if you don't know who to vote for? Sorry, but I don't want you tying up my polling station, waffling behind the dingy curtain as your little moment in the limelight comes to an end.
In fact, I've been toying with the idea of bringing a little airhorn to my polling place, to let the undecideds know there's someone waiting for them to stop wavering in the booth. Or maybe I'll shoot spitballs over the curtain. I can't decide.
