I'm not a product-placement genius (or any kind of genius, for that matter), so maybe I'm wrong, but is ``The Sopranos'' really a show on which Entenmann's wants to be showcasing its goodies?

I don't know if you saw last Sunday's episode, but at one point Tony was in the kitchen, hunched over a box of the company's baked goods, wolfing down the contents like an animal in a feeding frenzy.

And what was my first thought as a huge ``Sopranos'' fan? Well, it wasn't ``I gotta get me a slice of Entenmann's apple crumb cake,'' or, ``Gee, one of their chocolate doughnuts would really hit the spot now,'' but this: ``I better lay off that stuff or I'm going to look like T does.''

Has no one at Entenmann's heard of ``Sex and the City?''

But Entenmann's, it turns out, is not the only company vying for airtime on ``The Sopranos.'' As a headline writer for the Reuters news agency recently put it: ``Product advertisers find `Sopranos' hard to refuse.''

The accompanying story explained that although the series can be violent and sexually graphic, it's hip and popular. And, because it appears on the commercial-free pay-TV channel HBO, product placements have no advertising competition.

True, but even so, you'd think some of the companies involved - the investment adviser Charles Schwab, for example - would want to keep their distance from organized crime.

As someone whose retirement fund is in Charles' hands, I'm not sure I want him messing around with the mob. What kind of judgment does it show? What if Adriana turns state's evidence, or Tony gets swept into Uncle Junior's legal troubles? Will my Roth IRA be safe?

Memo to Charles Schwab's V.P. of product placement: Next season could we consider ``West Wing'' or ``Sesame Street?'' (I can imagine a really cute bit with the Count counting how much money Schwab clients can earn!)

Or maybe I'm wrong about ``The Sopranos'' not being a good showcase. Maybe it's just the jealousy speaking. Because as the only person in the country without her own reality TV show, I never get any product placement offers.

What I wouldn't give to have a Crate and Barrel advertising rep plying me with couches, or people lining up to buy the blueprints for my condo, like they are for the real-life house on which the Sopranos set is based.

Actually, not only aren't I getting free products, but I get the feeling that those selling me products and services would prefer I keep our association just between us - our little secret.

Like who? Well, my hairdresser, for one.

Which gives me an idea: Perhaps I could get things for free if I'd agree to blame a competitor for my look. Maybe my Newbury Street stylist would be willing to do my hair for nothing if I agreed to go around town telling everyone that one of his competitors cuts my hair.

Hey, why wait for him to come up with the idea? I'll make him an offer he can't refuse: ``Comp my next hair cut,'' I'll tell him, ``or I'm going to wait until a really bad hair day strikes (probably tomorrow), take a picture of myself, and then run an ad crediting you!''