So there I was, riding the T to work, enjoying a chocolate glazed doughnut and reading the newspaper, when I was assaulted by yet another headline screaming about how obese Americans are.

``Snarfin' U.S.A.'' my own paper's front page read, ``Study: Obesity crisis in America.''

OK, we get the point already. We're a nation of fatties. Stop rubbing our noses in it.

The latest survey (conducted from 1999 to 2000) found that 31 percent of Americans are obese, compared with only 23 percent in the 1988-1994 study.

I say let's go for it! We're on a roll, so why stop at 31 percent? Especially in these times of national peril, we need a unifying goal. Let's all pull together and aim for a 50 percent obesity rate in 2005, and from there, who knows?

Remember how in 1961 President Kennedy went before a joint session of Congress and said the nation should commit itself to the goal of sending an American safely to the moon and back before the end of the decade?

If President Bush wants to help Republicans win the midterm elections (and Mitt capture the governor's seat), he should stump around the country outlining his dream of an America where 75 percent of the citizens are obese.

As they say, do what you're good at.

Although medical professionals aren't looking at it this way, the study contained some good news (besides the nice jump from the 1988-94 to the 1999-2000 figures, I mean). While only one in five Americans, or 19.8 percent, considered themselves obese in a survey based on people's own assessments of their girth, the actual numbers found that 31 percent were obese. In other words, self-esteem is riding high!

(The story didn't break down the figures, but my guess is that the men were the ones low-balling it, and the high school girls - the Ally McBeal look-alikes - threw researchers off with statements like ``I'm totally obese!'' when in truth they wear a size five.)

Part of the problem, if there is one, is that the medical establishment keeps changing the definition of a healthy weight, making it harder and harder to stay out of obesity's trap. Remember when they introduced that hideous body mass index thing, making it harder to catch a break than ever?

The docs should take a cue from pop culture, which, according to a New York Times story I just read, is embracing the Rubenesque female form, with hits including ``My Big Fat Greek Wedding,'' ``Hairspray'' and ``Less Than Perfect,'' the new ABC sitcom, which stars an actress who looks more like Anna Nicole Smith than Ally McBeal.

Some people reading this column may be thinking, what about the health concerns? Doesn't she know that being fat opens you up to all kinds of diseases?

So, yeah, maybe obesity shaves a few years off your time here on earth. Big deal. Thanks to all kinds of new therapies, drugs and safety improvements, life expectancy's way up anyway, so if you if you lose a few years to a Twinkie or 20, it's pretty much a wash.

Oh, gotta go. I hear Uncle Sam calling me from the vending machine.