Kerry's brazen bronze beyond the pale, critics cry
By Beth Teitell
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Well, we know one
group of voters Sen. John Kerry isn't courting: tanning-booth moms.
This week, as sunless-bronzing accusations streaked - mainly in the right-wing media, a pale group if there ever was one - the Kerry camp insisted that the candidate's sudden onset of George Hamilton mahogany skin was natural - the result of a day spent outside playing touch football.
But if that's true, and he managed to throw those passes while keeping his face uplifted for perfect, even color, then Kerry's just alienated a second maternal voting block: SPF moms.
Even assuming Kerry's spokeswoman is telling the truth and the tan came from actual sun exposure, what kind of message is he sending to the nation's youth? That it's OK to go outside without a sun protection level of at least 15? And I thought Kerry was trying to look strong on defense.
But Kerry probably won't lose the skin-doc bloc, because of the hundreds of tanning-bed operators, makeup artists and comedians brought in to analyze his color since the scandal peeled, not one expert has authenticated it. (Dan Rather's yet to be consulted.)
``Well,'' Jay Leno said the other night, ``the terror alert level on John Kerry's face has been raised to orange. First he gets the Botox. Now he's got the rich tan. Apparently the senator's confused. The Miss America pageant was last week.''
As Bush supporters might expect, the issue has been largely ignored by the liberal press, but the New York Post (``John a `Bronze' Star'') and the Washington Star (``Senator enters a bronze age'') have come out hitting, and the word ``tanorexia'' has been whispered.
Matt Drudge wondered whether Kerry's been campaigning in the Rust Belt, and his Drudge Report carried a Harvard Crimson story reporting that ``College Dems who met Kerry were surprised by his tan skin and tall stature.''
The senator hasn't been accused of heightening - yet.
But I say bring on the Tanners for Truth. Pay enough, and I'm sure someone will come forward with grainy footage of Kerry slipping into Planet Bronze or the Boston Beach Club. Surely, there must be a receipt for Bain de Soleil Streakguarde Self-Tanning Cream somewhere, or a discarded tanning towelette with Kerry's DNA.
Meanwhile, with the debate mere hours away, conspiracy theories were swirling. ``It's an inside job,'' one staunch Democrat told me. ``Someone paid someone off to let Kerry linger under the lamps too long.''
Either that, or this is simply Kerry's attempt to win Florida.
