``There are more differences between a chimpanzee and a human being than once believed, according to a new genetic study.''

- The Associated Press, Sept. 24, 2002

BOSTON - A cheer went up in the chimp world today, as news broke that the human-chimp genetic similarity is only about 95 percent, not 98.5 percent, as biologists had believed.

``Maybe this will finally get Jane Goodall off our backs,'' one Hub chimp said, as he shopped for a Halloween costume - a human suit, complete with ``casual Friday'' clothes, Nike sneakers and a face mask.

``Is this too scary?'' he asked.

The genetic study was commissioned by the chimps, who have long suffered from the widely held belief that they were ``almost human.''

``I've always suspected we were more than 1.5 percent different,'' a chimp studying biology at Harvard University said.

``The humans always made such a big deal about how we're both `social' animals,'' he added, ``but there are important differences - you don't see us talking on cell phones at the theater, or paying $150 a head to sit at a fund-raiser in a `monkey' suit.''

``And we're not watching `The Anna Nicole Show,' '' he added. ``Or choosing our next president on a reality TV show.''

Said another local chimp, who spoke on condition of anonymity: ``An additional 3.5 percent difference may not sound like a lot, but it's the difference between us being willing to age gracefully and you guys shooting Botox into your faces.''

While the results of the study were treated soberly by humans, late-night chimp comics had a field day. ``It turns out that humans are very similar to another group,'' one talk-show host quipped to raucous laughter, ``sloths.''

The study's author, interviewed on a popular chimp all-news station, said he was particularly surprised by one of his findings:

``We thought that both humans and chimps had the capacity for reasoned thought and empathy, but those traits were not consistently found across the human spectrum. There were swaths of Washington, D.C., and entire corporate boardrooms where those behaviors were totally absent.''

The researcher also addressed the language issue. ``In addition to being wrong about the genes,'' he acknowledged, ``we in the scientific community have always talked about humans and our so-called `sophisticated spoken language,' without really focusing on how most people, like, uh, you know, ah, speak?''

Other differences also have surfaced: Chimps, it seems, don't buy their shoes tight just to make their feet look smaller; they know how to set a VCR and balance a checkbook; and they don't use the word ``impact'' as a verb.

At chimp fashion shows, no one ever proclaims that gray or navy or brown is ``the new black.''

But not everyone in the chimp community was overjoyed. Reached poolside at his Beverly Hills estate, a lawyer for the estate of Bonzo, the chimp who co-starred with Ronald Reagan in ``Bedtime for Bonzo,'' said he'd have no comment, other than to remind everyone that chimps and humans still share a common ancestor.

``It was my great-great-great-aunt, Lillian,'' he said, ``and I've got the Thanksgiving pictures to prove it.''

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