When you're done with Kerry, how about repackaging me?
By Beth Teitell
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
All this chatter about John Kerry's comeback plan has gotten me thinking. Not about John Kerry [related, bio]. That's practically impossible.
But I was musing about how great it would be to have a team of professionals who would rush to your side when you started to slip in the polls (or the dinner party invitations started to get thin).
Why should candidates get all the help in ``making a comeback?'' True, I've never reached a height I could try to come back to, but isn't that all the more reason I - and probably you - deserve voter-funded assistance?
I mean, if you're running for president, you're already doing pretty well.
It's the rest of us, the never-rans, who could really use the repackaging skills of professionals. Sort of an uber-makeover that would last even after the eye shadow creased into nothingness and the haircut grew out.
Wouldn't it be great to have your own war room full of skilled image consultants and spinmeisters offering fresh ideas about getting America excited about you again, and tips on making you seem more presidential?
What? You don't want to seem presidential? Believe me, you should. It comes in handy. Particularly at parent-teacher conferences and on the tennis court.
Your new staff could humanize you and help you get your message out and introduce you to the American people and force you to go negative. (Against whom I'm not sure; those are details you'll have to work out with Bill Clinton and John Sasso and Bob Shrum, whoever he is.)
I want political insiders to assess my social interactions and help me figure out how to get more of a bounce.
Something along the lines of: That anecdote you tell when people ask you how you got into the news business, it's not working. That was years ago. Talk about the present.
And while you're at it, play up to your boss more. It's the brown-nosing, stupid. And don't wear those low-cut jeans, even though all your colleagues are. They're not doing you any favors.
I ran my idea of universal comeback coverage by some number-crunchers, and they all told me that given the size of the deficit, it's not feasible. The program, they said, needs to be privatized.
So, how about a reality show hosted by - who else - The Donald? Let's call it ``Comeback Plan'' and open it up to the masses.
Experts could go through your kitchen, throw out bad food, scout out new jobs for you, coach you before Thanksgiving at your in-laws, talk you up to outside people. ``Beth is what America needs!'' That sort of thing.
You may not make it to the White House, but you'll kill 'em in the swing states.
