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LIFESTYLE & TRENDS
As airline-related annoyances go, it's hardly up there with a four-hour gate hold,
or a pretzels-only ``dinner flight,'' and yet, every little bit helps.
So as a member of the flying public, I was cheered late last week when the news broke: They (in this case the Transportation Security Administration) might eliminate the famous questions asked by ticket agents: ``Has anyone unknown to you asked you to carry an item on this flight?'' and ``Have any of the items you are traveling with been out of your immediate control since the time you packed them?''
Why? It turns out that after 16 years of interrogation, there's no hard evidence the queries have prevented a single hijacking or bombing (although they have provided fodder for stand-up comics), and, even worse, they've wasted something like eight zillion ticket-agent and passenger hours.
The move is still under consideration, but if it's passed, I say let's take the time saved and instruct the ticket agents to ask questions that could actually help people:
``Did you bring a little sweater? I see you're going to Colorado, and it can get quite chilly in the evenings.''
``Did you call your mother back? She needs the name of the hotel where you'll be staying, in case an emergency, heaven forbid, arises, not that it would, but she's not going to be around forever, you know, and your father has been having some shortness of breath.''
``Why are you taking such a fancy-shmancy trip? And not on miles, even. I hope you're putting away money for little Mike's college fund.''
``Why are you shlepping a suitcase without wheels? And you didn't even use a sky cap! A back surgeon who goes to my gum man - he's single by the way, if you know anyone - says the worst thing you can do is carry weight on one side like that.''
``Your return flight isn't for 14 days. Should you be taking off so much time from work with the economy the way it is? My friend Rhonda's son lost his job when he got back from two weeks scuba diving in Aruba. Some welcome home that was!''
``You couldn't have dressed up for the flight? What if it crashes - excuse me, makes an unplanned water landing - I hope you're wearing clean underwear at least.''
At his press conference last week, James Loy, the chief of the new transportation agency, made no mention of changing any of the on-board announcements, but those seem kind of pointless, too.
Have you ever heard of someone being fished out of the ocean alive, clinging to the seat cushion for flotation? Me neither. Why not use the time to provide a real public service, with some updated health and safety-related announcements? For example:
``Smoking causes cancer.''
``Eat six to eight servings of vegetables a day, and make sure you get enough fiber.''
``Shoulder pads went out in the '80s. Will the passenger in seat 34E please step forward and identify herself to a member of the flight crew for a make-over?''
``The Road to Perdition'' has a great cast - who doesn't love Paul Newman and Tom Hanks - but the movie's forgettable. Better you should wait for the rental.''
``Seat cushions, which can be used for flotation devices, are also a wonderful way to add a flexible seating option to your living room.''
Thank you for flying with us.
by Beth Teitell
Wednesday, August 28, 2002