LIFESTYLE & TRENDS

Restating learnings is much tougher than I thought

by Beth Teitell
Tuesday, August 27, 2002

I don't usually model my behavior on corporate America, especially not these days, but I would like to steal one play from the CEO game book: the ``restating earnings'' maneuver.

I have something I'd like to restate, too: my life.

With yet another birthday looming, I've conducted an extensive internal review, and am saddened to report that I've turned up irregularities dating back several decades, when aggressive characterization of extra-curricular activities on my college applications resulted in an overstatement of my achievements.

Under the rules in effect at the time, a lone game of Bingo played with an elderly aunt should not have been recorded as ``volunteering.'' Two days spent flirting with the school newspaper's sports editor should not have been listed as a ``staff position.''

It also has emerged that I improperly identified a New York Times review I read of David McCullough's John Adams bio as the actual book, and therefore cannot certify that I am as well-read as investors, or my boss, may have been led to believe.

The audit also revealed that I do not actually know any of the Kennedys or the Kennedy cousins personally, and that any dropping of their names at a cocktail party aboard a yacht last weekend was in error.

(Auditor's note: The ``yacht'' mentioned in the previous paragraph has not been certified as such, and may in fact have been a dinghy, and the ``cocktails'' may have consisted of two bottles of Bud Light.)

Further, my use of the words ``evocative'' and ``challenging'' to describe blank canvases I saw at a gallery opening, and ``earthy'' and ``redolent of tar'' to characterize the chardonnay I drank at that opening, may have misled investors into thinking I am knowledgeable about art or wine. I am not.

My impromptu recitation of W.H. Auden's poem ``Funeral Blues'' - ``Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone/Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone/Silence the pianos and with muffled drum/Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come . . .'' - should not be taken as an indication that I am familiar with the rest of Auden's work, or any poet's work, for that matter, as I only learned ``Funeral Blues'' from repeated viewings of the Hugh Grant vehicle ``Four Weddings and a Funeral.''

Additional information uncovered about the year of my birth has proven that for the past four years I have been deflating my age. Interviews conducted with saleswomen at Banana Republic and the Gap have led investigators to readjust upwards by a factor of two the dress size I've previously reported.

Mistakes? Sure, I've made a few. But hey, I'm restructuring and plan to re-emerge whole - once the bruises from the face lift fade.