Government sign language spells trouble on highway

By Beth Teitell
Thursday, August 21, 2003

I've always suspected the federal government is out of touch with its people, but now I've got confirmation.

You know those blue ``food exit'' signs along the highway? The ones that point you to Roy Rogers and Dunkin' Donuts so distant that halfway there you (or your SO) become convinced you should have gone left at the intersection, not right, and after Some Discussion you turn around and drive for what seems like hours in the other direction, only to realize that you were correct the first time around, so you turn back, but before you get to your destination you either pass out from hunger, think better of your chocolate doughnut craving or start an argument so engaging you forget about food altogether?

Well, it's all part of the government's plan.

Federal highway standards, which are followed by many states, including this one, allow advertising restaurants to be as far as three miles from the exit.

I know what you may be thinking: Three miles? That's not such a big deal. It's a few minutes, at most.

That's what I thought, too, when the Massachusetts Highway Department spokesman revealed the figure. Until, that is, I focused on what kind of miles those are and aren't.

Aren't: Three miles on a highway going 80 mph.

Are: Three miles in stop-and-go traffic, often with turns and self-doubt involved. Think Somerville to the Financial District on local roads and you get an idea of what you might be dealing with, all for a lousy hazelnut iced coffee, which an hour later will necessitate a bathroom stop.

Jon Carlisle, the highway spokesman, couldn't tell me who in Washington thought three miles was a humane distance to make a person drive for a hamburger he doesn't even want that much, but my guess is that it's the same person who decreed that a quarter cup of Ben & Jerry's is a serving, not a sample.

If the Democrats are looking for an issue to pound President Bush on, why not this?

I know I'd vote for a candidate running on a platform that would not only reduce the allowable distance from the exit sign, but would also tell drivers, up front, how long a trip they're in for.

In my book, that would be the real Patriot Act.

Or, better yet: Let's forget getting off the highway, and instead increase the on-road food options. From now on, tollbooths will double as drive-throughs.

Those paying cash can order at the booth, and those taking advantage of Fast Lane technology can electronically order ahead, and then pick up their food and drink as they whiz through.

Yes, it may cause some slowdowns, but at least you won't get lost.