OK, I admit it. I haven't followed the accounting particulars of the corporate scandals all that closely - what's an off-balance-sheet partnership, again? - but I did learn one thing: Don't trust the numbers.

So when I read in last week's newspapers that obesity is a growing problem in Massachusetts, and that 64 percent of men in this state and 42 percent of all its residents are overweight, I had a lot of questions (above and beyond WHY it is that women have the weight issues even though men are fatter).

If you read the fine print in the Department of Public Health report, you learned the study was conducted over the phone. Everyone knows you shouldn't give your credit card number to someone who calls you - so what kind of idiot reports her weight to someone who may be simply posing as a pollster? Who knows who that voice belongs to? It could be your high school or office nemesis on the other end, planning to use the information for evil.

Since I never seem to be the person called randomly for surveys, I was not asked my weight, but I definitely would have lied, although I'm not sure in which direction.

Though a low-ball report would have been tempting - ``No, you're not calling at a bad time at all, I'm 5 feet 8 inches and 115 pounds'' - shaving off a few pounds wouldn't have helped me in the long run, as it would have skewed the state average downward, making me fatter by comparison.

By that logic, exaggerating my weight would have been smart, but after a lifetime spent turning sideways to look thinner in photos, and wearing black to minimize problem areas, I'm not sure I could have brought myself to do that, even if promised a position in the Witness Protection Program should the information become public.

As any scientist reading the study would immediately realize, even those naive fools who thought they were telling the truth might not have been, since weight is a tricky number to determine.

My scale, for example, is very moody and sometimes, for no reason at all, it displays a number much higher than what I know - on a deeper level - to be my real weight.

It is only through my understanding of advanced mathematics and physics that I am able to get at the right number, subtracting for atmospheric conditions that can add pounds, for example, or hair length, time of day, etc.

Meanwhile, weight is no longer the gold standard for determining weight. We now know that 10 pounds of muscle is better than 10 pounds of flab, but I look forward to an even better day, a day when we take the numbers out of things completely, and instead rely on societal indicators:

Me (speaking to my best friend): ``Do I look obese? Tell me honestly.''

Best Friend: ``Don't be crazy. You're a toothpick. Almost too thin.''

See how much easier that is?