Andrew Cuomo-Kerry Kennedy Cuomo scandal spectators couldn't help but feel just a little disappointed last week, when it appeared the competition for the most bizarre quote of the soap opera had been wrapped up by day two of the show, when well-known manners maven Donald Trump told the New York Post that Andrew shouldn't have been so publicly critical of his wife's conduct.

``If (the marriage) didn't work, you get out,'' the twice-divorced Trump advised. ``You say `We both love each other, it's wonderful, but we're going our separate ways.' ''

Just as scandal enthusiasts were pondering how Trump managed to turn up in a story about Cuomo in the first place, Kerry's Uncle Ted went and unseated the real estate mogul in the bizarro-statement department.

On July 7, with Kerry hiding out at the Kennedy compound in Hyannisport under the protective wing of her Uncle Ted, the New York Post quoted our senior senator describing his niece as ``bright and happy and fun.''

Like many readers, when I first read the remark I assumed there had been some sort of mix-up. ``Bright and happy and fun'' to describe a woman - a human rights activist! - who had just torn apart her whole family by allegedly cheating on her husband?

Even if she is a Kennedy, that seemed extreme.

Maybe Kennedy thought he was talking to a reporter from Glamour, and was really weighing in on the coral lipstick color so popular this summer. ``It's bright and happy and fun.''

And yet, days have passed with no correction in the Post, so I've got to assume Kennedy was talking about Kerry after all. Which is just one more reason I could never be a Kennedy (aside from the fact that I wasn't born one, haven't married one, and could never go sailing in a BIKINI mid-divorce).

If I had just been nabbed in an affair, and then on top of it, I'd been dissed by the man I was trying to leave my husband for, no one would describe me as ``bright and happy and fun.''

At best, an uncle could say of me, ``Oh that impulsive jerk? She's eating, weighing herself and reading People magazine in her room, trying to console herself by reading about other celebrity splits.''

But I guess that's what's so nice about having a seasoned politician as your family spokesman. The more I think about it, the more obvious it becomes that Teddy's trying to position Kerry for the future.

Maybe he thought a prospective employer was on the phone calling for a reference, and worried she might do poorly in an alimony settlement, he was trying to help her get a job.

Or maybe he's helping her write a personal ad, and was floating a trial balloon. The next time a reporter asks how Kerry's doing, he might say, ``She's 5 feet 4 inches, 118 pounds, and likes walking in the rain and pina coladas.''

Then again, maybe he was telling the truth. Maybe, despite it all, Kerry is bright and happy and fun. And hey, why not? Her abs looked pretty good in the bikini shot.