Edwards brings Southern comfort to Kerry ticket
By Beth Teitell
Wednesday, July 7, 2004
As the John Edwards [related, bio] news was breaking, my phone rang and I could see from Caller ID that it was one of my less-serious friends (this puts her in clown territory, essentially).
``Isn't it great?'' I said.
``Yes,'' she responded, ``but there's so much we don't know.''
I kicked myself for getting psyched about a candidate whose positions on many subjects I had no real knowledge of, among them: education, taxation, foreign policy, the environment . . .
She interrupted my silent shame with a list of questions for which she needed answers:
``Is that his real hair color? Does he get tired of smiling all the time? Has he had Botox?
``Is Edwards going to be the quirky, eccentric Southerner, or the serious, no-blasphemy-allowed kind of Southerner?
``As an informed voter, I'm hoping more for Blanche DuBois than Billy Graham.''
Fantasizing about a DuBois-Cheney debate, we hung up, but she soon called back with an update.
``I just heard on the radio that he's excellent at family reunions. He talks to everyone. He remembers who had bursitis and who had bunions, who's related to who, who likes the cards and who likes the slots.''
She mimicked Edwards charming his way through a barbecue: (ITAL) ``May I get you some more sweet tea Miss Odell?'' (ENDITAL)
Although the beltway pundits might not put it this way, Kerry's marrying the perky Southern girl.
Edwards is the likable spouse of the pair, the one happily mingling and chatting at the party, while the more serious partner is stationed in the corner, droning on about his stocks, his stone-face fixed on his Bloody Mary.
Will the voters fall for a cute smile? According to a poll I conducted, with a plus or minus accuracy rate of 100 percent, yes!
``I like him the way I like Derek Jeter,'' one citizen told me, ``not because Jeter plays well - I'm not even sure if he does - but because how he looks in the uniform.
``Someone was talking about how Edwards voted on the - I don't know, it was the war or something - but I don't really care,'' she admitted.
``He's handsome, he's debonair.''
The real world, it seems - even at the presidential level - is just like ``Average Joe.'' In the end, they always go for the cute one.
But cute and bubbly as he is, Edwards has some serious knowledge he can impart to Kerry, as the top of the ticket swings through the South, trying to affect the common touch:
Red-eye gravy is not something you put on your filet mignon on a very long plane flight.
