That's the ticket: Kerry needs a People person on the ballot - and we've got just the people
By Beth Teitell
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Like many Americans, I spend my free time agonizing over who John Kerry [related, bio] should choose for his running mate. After all, this is the person who'll deliver the third keynote speech of the Democratic National Convention, which I will listen to, probably in my car, stuck in the eternal gridlock that will be the last week in July.
I was knocking back a soy smoothie yesterday, stressing over which was more important, Florida or Big Labor, when I realized it was time for me - and, more crucially, Kerry's brain trust - to start thinking outside the Botox.
How far outside? Mary-Kate far.
True, she has no political experience, but everyone knows that the vice president (and, for that matter, the president) are only part of a team running the country.
What would it hurt if the veep's designated role was ceremonial, not unlike that of Prince Charles? It's sort of the same, really - Monday: dignitary's funeral; Tuesday: dignitary's funeral; Wednesday: speech.
So, let's say goodbye to Kerry's current crop of options - and change the 35-and-up rule to something more workable. From now on, if you're old enough to say ``How many net carbs does that have?'' or to text message, you're old enough to run.
There's little question Mary-Kate would deliver the People vote, and worst case, if she had to re-enter rehab during her term, her twin Ashley would simply step in. A quick dye job, and no one would be the wiser. If you don't think it could work, rent ``Dave.''
At this point in the campaign, everyone knows what Kerry lacks is charisma, and what he needs in a veep is someone sexy.
Or, as Gloria Starr, the CEO of Global Success Strategies, said, ``Kerry needs someone with a different skill set. Someone with very high people skills, who's a visual learner.''
Kerry, she explained, is most likely an ``auditory'' learner, who processes things by hearing, and is not adept at painting pictures for voters.
Debra Benton, the author of ``Executive Charisma'' (McGraw Hill, 2003), listed the characteristics of a charismatic person - memorable, impressive, credible, genuine, trusted, liked, comfortable, competent, confident, cool, calm, collected - and then said: ``Let's see if those words fit him.''
She mentioned a meeting in Colorado, where she lives, at which stacks of waffles and flip-flops were passed out. ``Those kind of things make you question (his charisma),'' she noted.
So whom should he choose to help overcome the IHOP allusions? ``Maria Shriver. In this country we like beauty, money, power and fame. She has all of them and no baggage - at least that we know about.''
But if Kerry's afraid of teaming up with a woman, there's always Dale Earnhardt Jr. Not only does the ultimate magnet for NASCAR dads come with legions of fans, but that voting bloc has a very high tolerance for dullness.
Anyone who willingly watches a car drive around and around and around a track for hours in the hot sun would have no problem sitting through a Kerry speech, and might actually find him captivating.
Or maybe Kerry should consider a diet guru as a mate. I'm not sure of the polling on this, since no pollster's ever asked a random sampling of Americans, ``Which is more important, your political leaders or your thighs?''
But judging by the number of citizens who show up on election day versus those who attend Weight Watchers meetings, I'd say Dr. Phil or the South Beach cardiologist might help Kerry bring in the South (and the Midwest and California - especially California).
Or, if Kerry wants a mate who's more learned, maybe he should go with a gal - Bonnie Fuller, the Us magazine editor lured away by the media group that owns The National Enquirer, The Star and The Globe. If anyone knows what the American people want, it's her.
And if we're really lucky, she'd spill something juicy during the Cheney debates.
