Road warriors: Let closings delegate changes in attitude
By Beth Teitell
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
What? The Babe and A-Rod weren't enough? New York's also able to let traffic flow during its convention? Showoffs.
It's enough to make a Bostonian look on the bright side (might as well - it's the only side we can still access).
The road closings aren't a !#$ pain in the neck. No, they're a delicious opportunity to retaliate against the dashboard-mounted GPS units in our cars. What could be more satisfying than challenging that smug lady - with her ever-calm “take a left, take your next left, please proceed to the highlighted route” - to direct you to the most direct route from Boston to Woburn at 5 p.m. on July 28. Listen lady, I said “direct” - not via Ohio.
And think of the telecommuting opportunities for all those Boston workers left out of the technology revolution. CVS cashiers, Dunkin' Donuts employees, supermarket baggers - from July 26 to 29 you may do your jobs from the comfort of your own home.
There's good news for kids, too. Pssst, Junior. Mom's working in her bedroom. That's why her car's still in the garage. Listen outside her closed door. That's right - she's on the phone with her biggest client. You know, the one who's threatening to move to another agency. Run in now! Grab your sister, too. And start crying, or fighting. Go for her keyboard. No, with the other hand - the one covered in peanut butter.
As for you people lucky enough to live along the roads that will be used by hundreds of thousands of DNC-rage-filled detour-seekers - don't just make lemonade out of lemons, sell it! And your bathrooms, too. After an hour or four spent in the car drinking coffee, a person's willing to pay a lot for a clean restroom.
And speaking of all that extra time behind the wheel - Why not get an early start on next year's taxes, or learn to knit?
Plus, with so many people forced to sleep in their offices, wardrobe expectations (for everyone) will be eased. Let's all look forward to a laundry- and dry cleaning-free week as we wear the same pair of (increasingly wrinkled and grimy) khakis for five days in a row, with nary a sidelong glance from el bosso.
Hey, have I mentioned the great savings on fuel costs? Made all the sweeter since our New York brethren won't be enjoying the same four-day break.
In fact, there's only one group who will suffer from the road closures: those who live within the Roach Motel limits (commuters check in, but they can't check out after 4 p.m.). They'll have absolutely no excuse for playing hooky on a nice summer day.
