Speaker's advice won't help you in real world
By Beth Teitell
Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Find work and people you enjoy. Be kind. Don't take yourself too seriously.

That's right. It's advice-to-the-graduates time.

Except that a lot of the grads aren't listening. They're text- messaging friends and family in distant parts of the stadium. They're plugged into their iPods. Or whatever.

Why? Let's be frank. A lot of the wisdom passed along - or at least spoken in the presence of the intended targets - is not . . . practical.

FIND WORK AND PEOPLE YOU ENJOY. Gee, thanks. That oughta help when I'm studying the classifieds and personals.

So, picking up where the actual graduation speakers left off, here are some suggestions for the real world:

1. Go into rehab. It doesn't matter if you need it or not. This is for larding future conversations with "When I was at Hazelden with Demi."

2. Start lying about your age. Like embezzling from the Mafia, shaving is best done a little at a time. A month here, a week there, you'll never hit the dreaded "39."

3. Don't buy the gold-tone couch. It will set up a chain of fabric and color limitations that will haunt you to your deathbed.

4. Have naked photos taken (even if you're not happy with your body). These can be released when you become famous. Believe me, you'll be happy to have them.

5. Don't spend $75 on a Lacoste shirt.

6. Have your mid-life crisis now. It's neater pre-children, mortgage and spouse.

7. Buy "thank you" cards, little gifts and note paper. You're going to need them. Why race around on deadline?

8. Make an eccentric friend. These people often write books, and your shot at the acknowledgments is better if you got in on the ground floor.

9. Live within your cellphone plan. Use your nights and weekends.

10. Choose a town with good takeout.

11. Retrieve your Tupperware after the potluck.

12. Use drama sparingly. Pitching a hissy loses effect after the hundredth time. Save it for the big stuff.

13. Never dye your eyebrows.

14. Do not buy any pants with drawstring hems. They are never really in, and they will never come back.

15. If you plan to leave Boston after college, start affecting a British accent now. You'll be all ready when you get to Des Moines, and it will be second nature when you hit 30. Chalk it up to "my parents moved a great deal when I was young."

16. Find work and people you enjoy. Be kind. Don't take yourself too seriously