Like many Americans, I was saddened this February when a federal court threw out a lawsuit against McDonald's that claimed its burgers and fries cause obesity.

That's why I was so psyched this week to hear that yet another lawyer is taking aim at yet another food pusher - in this case, Kraft Foods Inc., the manufacturer of the trans fat-laden Oreos.

What the McDonald's judge apparently didn't understand, but perhaps the Oreos judge will, is the importance of placing blame where it belongs: on others.

After all, it's hard being a person these days, especially when forces much larger than yourself are constantly working against you. Just yesterday, for example, the National Heart, Lung and Blood Institute - a federal agency funded with our tax dollars, I might add - issued new guidelines saying blood pressure risks once considered normal or borderline actually signal ``prehypertension.''

Let me get this straight: You're walking along, minding your own business, unconcerned with your salty-pretzel intake, when all of a sudden you're told - sorry! - you have high blood pressure. If that's not a lawsuit waiting to happen, I don't know what is.

Well, actually I do know, because I'm ready to unleash a few of my own.

As soon as I finish off this row of Oreos - reading about the suit gave me a hankering for trans fats - I'm going to slap Banana Republic with a suit seeking $58 in damages and an additional $200 for pain and suffering as compensation for a pair of capri pants (THE GARMENT) I was tricked into buying last spring by a clever advertising campaign. Wearing THE GARMENT is injurious to my mental health, as I feel ridiculous parading around in what are, essentially, flood pants.

Once the Banana Republic matter is settled, I'm going after Verizon Wireless for hooking me on a cellphone (THE UNIT). At court, I'll argue that I'm so addicted I can no longer walk without talking into THE UNIT, and that my habit has turned me into a pariah, forcing me to huddle with smokers outside theaters, and subjecting me to dirty looks from salesclerks citywide as I struggle to talk on the phone and order and pay for an ice cream cone, or an iced coffee.

I'm seeking reimbursement at the rate of 40 cents per minute for the last three years (when I got THE UNIT), plus the right to terminate my contract without incurring the $175 penalty.

Third on my list are the broadcast and cable TV stations (TV) that force me to spend untold hours per week learning the names of various reality TV contestants or risk being shut out of any and all conversations at work.

Rather than a financial settlement, I'm asking that TV send assistants to my home to perform tasks that went undone while I watched reality TV shows. Such tasks include, but are not limited to, reading, exercising, cooking healthy foods, cleaning my apartment.

Because, after all, why should I have to take responsibility when someone else can? As the anti-Oreo crusader Stephen Joseph said, ``I am probably full of hydrogenated fat because until two years ago I didn't know about it. I resent the fact that I have been eating that stuff all my life.''

Stephen, I agree with you, but I'm just wondering if you could make one small change in your suit. Oreos, after all, are so good. Could you go after another cookie? Pecan Sandies, maybe?