Corporate criminals must make coverup their business
By Beth Teitell
Wednesday, May 5, 2004
Reading about the latest white-collar criminal bound for an orange jumpsuit - in this case, Frank Quattrone, a star investment banker nabbed for obstructing justice - I thought, What's wrong with these people? Didn't they learn the lesson of Watergate? It's not the crime that leads to hard time - it's the coverup.
But being a Monday-morning juror is easy. It's the perp who has it tough. Obstruct justice, and they nab you for lying. Don't obstruct it, and you go down for the actual crime.
Six of one, half-dozen of another. Or is it six-to-eight of one . . .?
It's almost enough to make you pity Martha et al., isn't it?
What's the business plan for a bigwig who wants to rake in a few extra bucks and still avoid the perp walk?
Prepare for the post-crime period, that's what. Misbehaving CEOs (and presidents) should accept that committing the crime is only half the job. Covering it up well is every bit as important. A pain in the neck, perhaps, but worth the extra effort.
(This goes double for House Speaker Thomas M. Finneran, whose only potential crime is the coverup; there is no underlying criminal offense.)
Unfortunately for the white-collar criminals, their high-priced lawyers are not up to the back half of the job. (Fear of disbarment, I'm guessing.)
And the literature on concealment is surprisingly slim, considering the size of the market.
Where are books like ``The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Defendants''? ``The One-Minute Coverup''? ``The Complete Idiot's Guide to Not Being a Dummy''?
In lieu of a good felony how-to, I suggest watching more cheesy TV. Soaps and cop shows provide all types of pertinent lessons:
1. Usually the person who will bring you down is your assistant.
2. Blood spatters in a heck of a lot of places.
3. If you're going to put the body on ice in order to fool with the time of death, always make sure there's no chance of freezer burn.
4. It's really hard to make it look like an accident.
5. Amnesia is your friend.
6. When in doubt, go for chin and breast implants. (Oh, wait, those are the lessons of the reality TV makeover shows - sorry.)
And how about the rest of us, the little guys? Our ``crimes'' are not of interest to federal investigators and the Securities and Exchange Commission, but they are tracked by spouses, bosses and children.
How can we tough it out against our domestic prosecutors?
``I did not, I repeat, did not . . . (drink the last of the milk and put the bottle back, eat your Halloween candy, leave work early).''
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
