Trouble's brewing: Reports of possible Starbucks' price hike provide grounds for panic
By Beth Teitell
Thursday, April 29, 2004
``Rising milk costs may lead Starbucks Corp., the world's largest coffee shop chain, to consider its first systemwide price increase in nearly four years''
- REUTERS, April 28.
Brother, can you spare $20 for a venti latte?
Actually, the company hasn't revealed how much of a price hike it's pondering. Probably because the figure will spark widespread panic and hoarding, as customers buy up as many blended drinks as they can carry on a molded cardboard tray.
If there's any good news, it's that Starbucks CEO Orin Smith told Reuters any hike wouldn't hit immediately. I guess the company needs time to hire grief counselors (for those pushed out of the cappucino bracket) and financial advisers (to guide customers into appropriate savings programs. Imagine the misery of spending your ``golden'' years without Starbucks).
As we all know, Starbucks has been vilified over the years, but recently it has shown a softer side. As a public service, it published ``Make It Your Drink,'' a minicourse on the ``art and science'' of placing a Starbucks order.
Let's just hope similar magnanimous efforts will be made should prices rise: Onsite pawn shops, free detox programs, lay-away plans, coffee scholarships.
And, hey, why not a Starbucks ``powerball'' lottery, to give Joe Maxwell House a chance to once again sip Starbucks brew?
Starbucks' CEO didn't address safety issues in his Reuters interview, but I'm wondering if the company will hire Brinks trucks to transport the foamed milk and toffee-nut syrup, and bring in marshals to guard the baristas.
Speaking of whom. If the prices go up, the baristas are going to start needing MBAs and wearing three-piece suits. Products at platinum-card prices should only be handled by professionals.
In fact, future Starbucks stores will probably resemble private banks, with wood paneling (goodbye teardrop light fixtures) and desks in lieu of counters.
Engaged couples will start registering at Starbucks, and a cup of coffee will become a legitimate gift. Happy Mothers Day, Mom. Here's a frappucino. Starbucks could start runnning De Beers-style ads urging women to buy a cup for themselves - no need to wait for a man in this day and age.
Meanwhile, the only thing members of Starbucks Nation can do is drink as fast as we canand hope milk prices don't go up.
That, and appreciate that a small cup of Starbucks coffee costs $1.47. Such a bargain - who knew?
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