Booty begat whole new kind of ending
By Beth Teitell
Thursday, April 22, 2004
It's getting pretty obvious
that we need to raise the nation's terror alert level. To pink-alicious.
This great country of ours is in a dangerous ``-alicious''
buildup period. We're being threatened by ``101 Most Starlicious Makeovers'' on
E!, ``Lung-a-licious'' advice from the American Lung Association of Los Angeles
and, of course, the Web site www.alicious.com.
To mention just a very few.
Like Starbucks and tattoos, alici are poised to
engulf us. Soon you won't be able to make it through a day without tacking on
the annoying suffix. Mark my words-alicious. You'll be ordering a decaf-alicious
from the baristalicious without even thinking about it.
How did we get here? First, of course, there was
``bootylicious,'' which hit the nation in 1992. Back then, -alicious was annoying,
but essentially confined not only to the music world, but also to the word ``booty.''
So as long as you didn't listen to the radio or talk about someone's booty, you
could pretty much pretend it wasn't there.
But if we'd been at battle stations, instead of
a nation asleep, we would have understood the grave and gathering threat when
Snoop (Doggy) Dogg rapped, ``Your bark was loud, but your bite wasn't vicious,
and those rhymes you were kickin' was quite bootylicious.''
To be fair, an argument can be made that there was
no way we could have recognized the smoking gun-alicious for what it was in '92.
At that point, bootylicious meant ``lackuster, laughable or just simply terrible''
and no one was tacking it on to words such as ``soy'' and ``cran.''
Years went by and we were lulled into a false sense
of security. Until 2001, that is, when Destiny's Child struck, and Beyonce sang,
``My body's too bootylicious.''
You know, we probably could have survived even that
assault had not J. Lo and her famous booty been around. The two combined, and
now it's all -alicious all the time.
In hindsight, someone's hair should have been on
fire-alicious.
A cliche-hungry nation, we've seen what happens
when a saying or a suffix sneaks in. Remember the days when everyone, from preschoolers
to nursing-home residents, was saying ``don't go there'' and ``you go, girl''
and ``talk to the hand'' and ``it's a good thing'' and ``sounds like a plan''
and ``show me the money'' and ``all that good stuff'' and ``I'm all about that''
and ``on the same page.''
And now, just as those threats to decent conversation
have been run to ground, we're fighting a new war that is breaking out on many
fronts. Arthur, the PBS darling, mentions ``chips-alicious'' on his Web page.
A hip-hop group has taken the name Blackalicious, and Blogger uses the word ``plastic-alicious''
to compliment the Web site www.plastic.com.
cw-1Enough is enough-alicious. The citizenry needs
to take action. ``But what can I do?'' you may be asking yourself. Refuse to use
the suffix, and keep alert for those around you who are acting suspic-aliciously.
As for me, I'm putting Defense Secretary Donald
Rumsfeld on notice that I don't want to hear about any ``bombalicious'' campaigns
in Iraq. And Mr. Greenspan, please don't add ``spike-alicious'' to any economic
forecasts.
Gentlemen, step away from the -alicious and no one
gets hurt.
