In retrospect, I guess I've been in denial about the war with Iraq. I'd read about the massive troop buildup, and President Bush's threats that Saddam better disarm or else, and yet I'd think, no, it couldn't really happen. It would just be too awful. A diplomatic solution will be found.

So when the report came in yesterday morning that the ``diplomatic window has closed'' a chill ran through my body.

``War,'' I thought sadly. All that killing, and the innocent lives that will be lost. And soon. They were saying bombing could start the middle of this week.

Wait. The middle of this week? I'm going to Virginia on Saturday for a weekend of shopping, lunching and hiking with my best friend. At least I'd been planning to.

What if the war messed up my girls' getaway? Would it be unseemly to flit about when the country's at war? Maybe the airlines would be grounded - or the terror alert level would be raised and flying, especially with a connection through D.C., would seem too dangerous.

A moment later I felt guilty for thinking about myself at a time like this, so I called a friend known for her ethics to confess my small-mindedness, but when I shared the news that the president planned to address the nation at 8 p.m., she stopped me.

``Tonight at 8?'' she said. She sounded upset, and I assumed it was because she'd been hoping there's be some last-minute negotiating. But it was more than that - and less than that.

``I was planning to work out tonight,'' she said. ``I'll have to tape his talk.''

She stopped to reflect on what she'd just said. ``It's terrible, but you still have these mundane concerns.''

What will I make for dinner on Wednesday? What if terrorists unleash biological weapons against us? Should I get the pink rain slicker from the Gap? How many Iraqi civilians will die? Maybe I should try Atkins. What will happen to the Kurds?

``It's the same thing when there's a death in the family,'' another woman added. ``You want to go to the funeral, and you know how important the grieving process is, but at the same time you're thinking, well, I have a meeting on Thursday, and I'd like to close this deal by then, so if they could hold off until Friday . . .''

When I called, she was just heading out to Blockbuster to return ``Sidewalks of New York'' and ``The Shipping News'' even though she's yet to watch them. ``Realistically,'' she said, ``my husband's going to be glued to CNN, so I know we're not going to get to watch the movies.

``I don't want to watch a war 24 hours a day,'' she added. ``I know that sounds bad.''

Yes, but she wasn't alone. As we wait for war, many people don't know how to feel and act.

``I made cupcakes over the weekend while I listened to people on TV talk about the war and the economy and that mystery illness and the troops and the gas prices, and I said, `Who am I to be making cupcakes while all this is going on?' And then I thought, `Well, if I'm going to get gassed, I might as well eat them.' ''

She felt bad for having such a superficial thought. And then she wolfed down a cupcake.