It's time to crack down on scourge of annoying fliers

by Beth Teitell
Wednesday, March 5, 2003

 

Usually I'm on the side of the civil rights groups, but not this time. Not after my last flight to Florida.

Starting this month, at three undisclosed airports, Delta Airlines is going to run background checks on everyone who buys a ticket and then assign each passenger a threat level: green, yellow or red. By the end of the year, a nationwide system - mandated by Congress after the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks - could be in place.

As you can imagine, the American Civil Liberties Union and other activists see the potential for unconstitutional invasions of privacy and for database mixups that could lead to innocent people being branded security risks. But, believe me, innocent people are already at risk. And not only from traditional terrorists.

Has no one from the ACLU ever been on a flight with a toddler? Or been seated next to a person with a weak bladder? Excuse me, pardon me, sorry, I just need to get by one more time. Or spent six hours trying to avoid eye contact with a chatty Cathy?

Transportation officials say a contractor will be picked soon to build a nationwide computer system that will check such things as credit reports and bank account activity and compare passenger names with those on government watch lists.

But what about the evildoers who operate beneath the radar? In other words, the people who recline their seats immediately following takeoff and don't return their seatbacks to the full upright position until the plane begins its initial descent?

And what about the loud talkers? Or the passengers who take their shoes off? Or those who hog the arm rest or the overhead bins or grab Vogue and the current Time from the flight attendant, leaving you with an old issue of Participant magazine? Or the supersized passengers?

Should those people be allowed to fly without others being warned?

Under the government's plan - Computer Assisted Passenger Prescreening System, or CAPPS II - most passengers will be green, and hence subject to only the usual screening nuisances. Yellows will get checked extra closely, and reds won't be able to fly at all.

Those colors are fine for the really bad guys, but the civilian terrorists need colors, too:

  • Baby blue: Authorities should be on the lookout for a child under the age of 4, who may be engaged in one or several of the following activities: repeatedly slamming the tray on the seat in front of him; kicking said seat; pacing the airplane's narrow aisle with an irritable grownup in tow, usually while the cabin is being beveraged; crying or screaming loudly; throwing food; pulling hair; forcing a passenger in a nearby seat to play an endless game of peekaboo.

  • White (knuckle): Flight attendants and other passengers should be notified that a fatalist is on board and will tell anyone who will listen, preferably his or her rowmate, why the plane is going to crash and how. Did you hear a strange noise coming from that engine? Was that a flame shooting out? Does the guy in seat 5C look suspicious to you?

  • Beige: This passenger can be recognized by the lack of reading material he carries on board, even for an overseas flight. Those seated nearby should be prepared to fight off relentless attempts at small talk.

  • Black: This passenger is so desperate to appear thin that she is willing to lowball her weight when asked by a desk agent, even when it puts other passengers at risk.

    I'm not saying that these people can't fly, but some action has to be taken. Maybe, like the smokers of old, they should be lumped together in the back of the plane. Unless, of course, it would get too toxic back there for the flight attendants.