Talk of Mars' watery past causes flood of speculation
By Beth Teitell
Thursday, March 4, 2004
I hate to be a skeptic about the latest Mars discovery, especially since signs of ancient, alleged water could point to a planet poised to support vacation homes, but how do we know for sure that the planet was once soaked?
Yes, we've heard some mumbo jumbo about the crystallization of minerals, high sulfite levels and the layering of Martian rock, but as a survivor of other hoaxes - like Ben and J.Lo's love affair, to name just one - I need more proof.
And the thing is, I have a feeling the NASA guys have it, but that they're holding out on us while they snap up all the waterfront property at rock-bottom, friends-and-family prices.
Maybe the Opportunity rover spotted a San Pelligrino label poking out from underneath one of those ancient rocks, or came upon the metal top of a Perrier bottle. Or perhaps the boys realized they'd hit transparent gold when the robot stalled while trying to roll over a 32-ounce plastic bottle imprinted with a Mars Sports Club logo.
Whatever it is, as a taxpayer, I have the right to know.
Or was a vending machine the tip-off? Here's a theory: While NASA scientists have known for years that a machine located in a small crater near the planet's equater sold Coke, Diet Coke and Mountain Dew, it was only recently that they got a camera pointed low enough to spot a Dasani button near the bottom of the machine.
Or maybe the scientists don't have direct evidence of water, but instead have accumulated enough circumstantial evidence to give them confidence they're right. Maybe the Opportunity and Spirit rovers were participating in a Mars Spring Clean-Up organized by a local elementary school, and one of them found an empty orange packet of Sanka, or an old magazine ad for Rolex's 18-kt Submariner Diamond Watch, water resistant to 300 meters.
Or who knows? Maybe NASA's archeology wing discovered a fossil of an ancient Louis Vuitton bikini (which would also indicate a well-to-do, well-connected Martian, because they're hard to come by) or a pair of Gucci flip-flops.
``Who cares?'' a friend of mine asked when I ran my ideas by her. ``Are you kidding?'' I said, ``Do you know what the presence of liquid water on Mars means?''
Well, that got her attention. ``If water,'' she said, ``fish. If fish, sushi. OK, I care.''
But another friend wasn't so sure. ``It's not so much the water, but is Mars Atkins-friendly?'' she asked.
``Water, after all, goes hand-in-hand with bloating. They'd better find some protein, fast, or the American public will rebel against NASA funding.''
I agreed, but the real issue, from my perspective, is this: If there was all that water, what happened to it? Were the Martians taking really long showers? Was it diverted to L.A.?
And secondly, what happened to the Martians? My guess is that a society willing to pay exorbitant prices for bottled water - despite the abundance of tap - simply couldn't sustain itself.
But whatever the case, NASA needs to tell us. This country doesn't want to go through another Watergate scandal.
